Bucks Fizz: Golden Days
"One would hear more vocal passion from an ape under anaesthetic. Inexcusably dim."

David Sylvian: Pulling Punches
"Not, as yet, being dead I find David's foggy moans to be of no great comfort. Perhaps if we dropped red hot coals on his head he might feel something? I somehow doubt it. He sounds like he's about to spend his third year in bed."

Level 42: The Chant Has Just Begun
"Having never been sufficiently drunk to enjoy a Level 42 record, I prescribe the Burmese neck ring to these chumps for being so icy."

Alphaville: Forever Young
"Alphaville embody the frustrated egos of the massively untalented. Should have been drowned at birth."

This article was originally printed in the magazine Star Hits in 1985 or 1986. Reprinted without permission for non-profit use only.